Growing up, we were often on the lookout for thieves in our town. They would take just about anything: your bike, your grill, your tires, your Christmas tree (yes, we had someone cut a tree down in our front yard) as well as the gas out of your car. This was the 70’s. If you did not put a lock on your gasoline cap, you risked a thief robbing you of your fuel.
But there is a different type of thief that we often encounter in our lives and organizations. And they are looking for a different type of fuel to steal – your emotional energy. At some point, everyone has at least one person sucking the energy and life out of them. Energy thieves can be found both in the way leaders interact with team members as well as how team members interact with leaders or peers. Energy thieves can be very likeable, talented, and even have very attractive personality traits. In his book Emotional Vampires, psychologist Albert Bernstein sums it up this way: “You like them; you trust them; you expect more from them than you do other people. You expect more, you get less, and in the end, you get taken.”
When someone habitually manifests more than one of the following traits for an extended period of time, they are an energy thief. (But if someone only periodically manifests one or two, they are not.) Here are eight signs that you may have someone tapping into your emotional energy and zapping your joy – without your permission.
1. They twist what you say.
You work hard to be crystal clear in your communication, but what the person relays to others is twisted – partially true yet destructively inaccurate.
2. They believe their needs are far more important than yours.
It’s not that the emotional thief does not care about the person from whom he is stealing, it’s just that he cares a whole lot more about himself. His wants and desires come before you, the mission of the organization, and sometimes even his own family.
3. They believe the way they act and see the world is right.
Emotional thieves do not see their behaviors as draining. They see the way they function as correct. This is what psychologists refer to as being ego-syntonic – a very impressive term for “broken but blind!”
4. They are never satisfied.
Emotional thieves are hungry – all the time. They always want something from you. More money. More authority. Special treatment. New equipment. Greater title. Nicer office. They are always hungry and have an insatiable appetite.
5. They seldom show empathy.
You just worked 60 hours? Your kid is very sick? You are down a few team members? It doesn’t matter to a thief. They are not interested in your life and needs. They only want to feed off of you, not identify with you.
6. They send confusing or even outright damaging messages about you to others.
Emotional thieves are skilled at working in the shadows. They have “off-the-record” conversations – a lot. They don’t always blatantly undermine others, but they can create uncertainty and cast doubt on someone’s competency or character.
7. They constantly criticize and seldom praise.
If you are expecting regular encouragement and praise, keep looking because you will not find it in emotional thieves. They are hyper-focused on one thing – their wants, not your successes.
8. They won’t take “no” for an answer.
I recently watched a parent tell a child “no” to his never-ending requests. As annoying as it is, parents expect this behavior from children. But when you see it in adults, it can be aggravating and draining. This is what emotional thieves do. They keep coming at you in order to wear you down.
If you have an energy thief in your life, learn how to keep your sanity when working with them!
Contact us to learn how our experienced coaches can assist you in creating a healthy culture in your organization.
Jay Desko is the CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
