Why Didn’t You Say So? 7 Reasons Why Communication Is So Difficult

• Person 1: “What time are we leaving?”

• Person 2: “Around 10 am.”

• Person 2 at 10:05 am: “Why are you late?”

• Person 1: “I’m not! You said we were leaving around 10 am. 10:05 is around 10 am!”

I want to clarify that this type of conversation has never happened between me and my wife and daughters. At least not in the last two days.

Communication is messy. We often generalize what we say but think we are exceptionally clear. Or we assume that those we communicate with can make perfect sense of our less-than-perfect message. Management. Law enforcement. Military. Government. Medicine. Every team in every profession benefits from clear communication. Yet, mucky communication contributes to inefficiency, frustration, conflict, errors, and in worst-case scenarios – even death (think miscommunication regarding medications). So why is communication so tricky? Here are 7 factors that make communication difficult.

1. Stress

In their excellent book 102 Minutes: The Unforgettable Story of the Fight to Survive Inside the Twin Towers, authors Jim Dwyer and Kevin Flynn describe the extraordinarily complex nature of communication. They share the painful transcripts of 911 operators talking with people stranded high up in the towers. There were times when misinformation was shared or information was not accurately heard due to stress and pressure. Stress can compound communication challenges.

2. Protecting Others

Sometimes, we can intentionally be ambiguous or varnish our communication in order to protect someone. For example, if a supervisor asks Employee 1 about Employee 2’s absence from work, Employee 1 may not disclose all the information because they do not want to see their team member get into trouble. This can result in the supervisor receiving an incomplete message that they view as accurate.

3. Protecting Yourself

Another common reason communication is so hard is that we often fear getting into trouble and strive for self-protection. I remember a situation with a past client where a team member was confronted regarding violating an employee policy. Her first response was to deny it. Then she started to own it but with a confusing storyline that felt very fuzzy. Finally, her language became clearer, especially once she knew her boss already knew the truth.

4. Competition

When there is low trust or infighting between team members or even teams and divisions, people can sometimes choose to communicate wrong information, communicate incomplete information, or not communicate at all. Having information can become a means of power and control, and in a sense, be weaponized. Internal dysfunction and competition are yet more reasons communication can be so hard.

5. Distraction

My wife likes to do puzzles on her iPad while watching TV. Meanwhile, I’m often reading news feeds and answering emails. Add into the mix two 95-pound dogs that bark at every real or perceived noise, and you have the recipe for missed messages! (Anyone else experience this?!). Distractions surround us. While the brain God has given us is quite amazing, it is not without its limits. One of which is it can only process so many inputs at one time. So yes, distractions make communication really hard!

6. Technology Errors

Have you ever gotten angry that someone ignored your email request? You are waiting, and waiting, and getting more and more agitated, but it never comes. Then someone says those now common words, “Have you checked your spam filter?” And there it sat the whole time you were waiting for it! Or you find out your iPad was not sending emails that you actually did attempt to send (this was happening to me recently). No, the person waiting for the message was not being ignored or disrespected, they were just experiencing another complication of communication – technology errors.

7. Assuming You Were Understood

Ethnomethodology. This is one of those words to use when you want to impress your friends (or annoy them). It means that language and words only have meaning when based on the context you are in. As Professor Richard Heyman describes in his book, Why Didn't You Say That in the First Place?: How to Be Understood at Work, each person makes their own interpretation of what was said, and therefore communication is ripe for misunderstanding. This helps explain why communication is so often misunderstood even when you thought you were perfectly clear. Take for example miscommunications in job descriptions, policies, emails, and reports, to name just a few. Those who produced these written communications believed they thoroughly communicated. In other words, they assumed!

Tips for Clear Communication

Clear communication requires effort. But here are two suggestions that pay immediate dividends.

1. Model openness and transparency from the top. When leadership models clear and open communication, it is more likely to become part of the culture as a standard operating procedure of the team or organization.

2. Assume less and test assumptions more. It is common for us to make assumptions. It saves us time in the short run. But when dealing with important communications, always test your assumptions as a leader and never assume that communication actually took place.

To learn more about how our coaches and consultant can assist you in creating a healthy team culture that thrives on clear communication, contact us.

Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.