When you think of the Supreme Court, many things may come to mind like power, complexity, controversy, opinions, and, of course, conflict. Since 1869, there have been nine Justices at a time, and they often do not agree. From 2008 to 2019, the Justices unanimously agreed on 35-45% of decisions (except in 2013 when it was 66% of decisions). Even that many unanimous decisions is pretty good! But, having 55-65% of decisions result in a split can create an atmosphere that is ripe for tension, distrust, and relational distance.
In a USA Today article, one of the newest and more conservative Justices, Amy Coney Barrett, said it was one of the more liberal Justices, Sonia Sotomayor, who first called to congratulate her on her Senate confirmation and welcome her to the “family.” In a discussion regarding respectfully managing disagreements, Justice Sotomayor shared these insightful words: “There are so many, many things that you can do to bring the temperature down.” And “When we disagree, our pens are sharp. But on a personal level, we never translate that into our relationships with one another.” Wow, this statement is so profound in this era we now live! We can all benefit from these wise words and work to lower the temperature in our workplaces and communities before they reach meltdown. Here are six ways to reduce unproductive conflict and increase relational trust.
1. Act differently than you feel.
Avoiding them, talking negatively about them, withholding kindness – these are some of our common and more natural responses to those with whom we disagree. Yet, each of these responses only raises the temperature and further damages any remanent of trust. Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” To lower the temperature, we need to sometimes respond with the opposite of what feels natural and warranted. This includes using gentle words and showing genuine interest in their lives and families.
2. Talk to the person rather than about the person.
There is research on everything – did you know that researchers have studied how often we talk about others without them being present? 52 minutes a day. However, only about 15% of that talk was considered negative. While it is sometimes beneficial to seek outside advice regarding a disagreement with someone, it is not helpful to talk negatively about that person to others since that further weakens trust. We are more likely to lower the temperature when we have a respectful discussion with the person rather than about them.
3. Strive to avoid embarrassing and threatening action.
Have you ever made the mistake of throwing too much lighter fluid on a charcoal fire? (Yep – I knew I wasn’t alone.) Whenever we make someone feel embarrassed or threatened, we will get a result similar to throwing a can of lighter fluid on a simmering coal. The biblical author of Proverbs says harsh words cause fights, but gentle words turn away wrath. If you want to turn the temperature down, reduce conflict, and enhance trust, be sure to avoid threats and embarrassment.
4. Separate the issue from the person.
I once had a conversation with someone who strongly disagreed with a decision their organization’s leaders made. It’s not surprising that this raised the temperature a bit. But, the person quickly moved from disagreeing with the leaders to attacking their character. It was a classic case of “I am right and you are wrong… and therefore you lack integrity.” This person was not separating the issue from the people, and, therefore, the temperature rose even more.
5. Keep it out of social media.
Name one time where the use of social media lowered the temperature of a conflict. Just one. Can you think of any? On occasion, I have seen where someone has succeeded, but that is the exception. Entering into “dialogue” on social media is nothing like a dialogue in person. It is far easier to throw verbal grenades over the fence since we do not have the same accountability as when we are face-to-face. So, if you want to keep the temperature down, stay away from social media as a means of communication, especially when conflict is simmering.
6. Resist the temptation to dehumanize.
I read the story of a young woman who was born in Ukraine with significant physical disabilities due to the exposure her mother had during the Chernobyl nuclear accident. The young woman had been placed in an orphanage at a young age and suffered horrendous abuse from some of her supposed caretakers. How does this happen? The same can happen with prisoners of war, patients in hospitals or nursing homes, and other vulnerable groups. One key factor noted by experts is that abusers often dehumanize their victims. To lower the temperature, we have to consistently remind ourselves that others’ opinions do not make them any less human than we are.
7. Pick your timing carefully.
Want to have a difficult conversation with me? It is best not to do it when I am hungry, tired, already stressed, or later at night. At least that is if you want to have the greatest potential for success. Conflict-oriented conversations are usually stressful and therefore best managed at the right time. There have been more times than I wish to confess when I did not pick my timing with care, and the results were not successful. Rushing to address an issue or fix the problem can compound it, raising the temperature and adding further to the conflict.
To learn how our coaches can help you manage conflict more effectively, contact us.
Jay Desko is the President & CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.
