I Am Usually Right & You Are Always Wrong

How is it that people, including many who are very intelligent and respectable, can see topics like work performance, circumstances, relationships, justice, and the world so differently? While it may be disturbing, it is not surprising. Although some may not like to acknowledge it, it is very common for most of us to see our world through the lens of “I am usually right, and you are almost always wrong!” Our worldviews, our brains, and the perceptions we form make us very complicated people but also predictable. Here are the primary reasons for why we see things the way we do and how we can learn to better understand other’s perspectives.

How Our Perspectives Are Shaped

While there are many forces that shape the way we see the world, here are six of the main ones.

1. Our parent(s).

A few months ago, I read a book written by a young woman who was raised by a family that was deeply enmeshed in an extreme fundamentalist church (extreme is an understatement). They did such horrible things that just about everyone defined them as evil. It was a fascinating story of how powerful parents are in shaping how we see the world and how hard it is to change that view. She loved her parents and trusted them. And from a very young age, these parents deeply embedded some unhealthy views of God, the Bible, and how to treat people who were different than her. When she began to see cracks in her worldview, it resulted in excessive amounts of internal stress and conflict. Change is possible, but it can be scary and difficult, especially if you may be betraying those who raised you!

2. Intense events.

Have you ever noticed how intense events stick with us and shape us more than positive events do? Over 45 years ago, I was walking our dog Fluff. (I know, not the most original name, but stay with me). I did a dumb thing and took him off of the leash while we were walking past the home of a neighbor with two German Shepherds. Needless to say, this meeting of dogs did not go well, and they came close to killing Fluff! We have had big dogs my whole married life, but to this day, I NEVER let my dogs out of my gated yard without a leash. EVER! Just ask my family – I become a drill sergeant when anyone even hints at the idea. Why? Traumatic events get deeply embedded in the brain and shape behavior for years to come.

3. Our brains.

As humans, we need to make sense of our experiences. So when too much contrary information starts to flood in, our brains need to do something about it. Just like the stock market, the brain does not like too much ambiguity. Dr. Edward de Bono describes how our brains create patterns which, over time, are used to make sense of information, serving as a filter. So a “normal” person may take his dog to a field and let him run around and have it be an enjoyable experience. But for me, with my legacy of trauma, all the scenarios in my mind lead to a very unpleasant dog fight. In another example, a manager may fire an employee because of poor performance, but the employee cannot see it. It does not match the patterns and beliefs the employee has formed about himself. The longer we believe something, act on it, and the older we become, the harder it is for the brain to accept that there might be an even better way.

4. Our social networks.

Remember, when you were a teenager, how your parents always warned you about those whom you spent time with? They knew that peer influence is powerful, and not only for teens. Most of us are shaped by the people we spend the most time with – by how they live, what they value, who they respect, and even what they purchase. They soon occupy a space in our heads, sometimes shaping our choices and actions. Influencing one another is normal… and sometimes healthy. That is, until such influence hinders us from caring about others, hearing others, and unfairly labeling others. Don’t underestimate the way you are shaped by those with whom you spend the most time.

5. Our temperament.

I am a believer that God created every person with unique traits, gifts, and thought patterns. We can be similar to others, but when you add our temperament to the other forces I note above, you can see how we are all a bit unique. Our temperament has to do with the way we think, work, and relate to others. Some love detailed work while others do not. Some love to take risks while others prefer safety. Some love working with people while others prefer working alone. Everyone likes to talk about the benefits of having a diversity of people on a team, but in reality, we really do like it more when people think like us! So, when you wonder how people can see the world so differently, don’t forget about the power of temperament.

6. Defensive Routines.

Many years ago, I knew of a person who fought hard for a particular doctrine in his church. Those who did not agree with him were labeled “liberal” and those who did were considered “orthodox.” And there was no need for discussions since he was right and others were wrong! This type of labeling can be a form of defensive behavior that over-simplifies our world and justifies our actions. We all have defensive routines that kick in unconsciously, just like how our eyes automatically close when something gets too close to them. Afterall, people want to protect themselves from anything they perceive is a threat, but sometimes things we label threats really are not. Defensive responses that are common to all of us include denial, labeling, blaming, attacking, withdrawing, and justifying. Even though defensive routines are common for everyone, they can hinder learning and growth and be an accelerant for conflict.

5 Steps to Expand Our Perspectives

These six forces that shape us do not have to be fatalistic or deterministic. As leaders, we should aim to continue to grow. Here are five actions we all can take to counter the downside of thinking only we are right.

1. Acknowledge you are broken.

I just finished reading a book about the fall of Enron called The Smartest Guys in The Room. The Enron scandal was one of the largest corporate bankruptcies in American history with employees and shareholders losing billions of dollars. The writers concluded with this: “The Enron story will always be relevant: It’s a tale of human nature…” This aligns well with the words of Jeremiah, the Old Testament prophet, when he said, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” None of us are completely righteous or perfectly pure in the way we think or act. For those of us from a Christian faith and worldview, we especially need to acknowledge this, be grateful for God’s forgiveness, and act humbly as a result.

2. Talk with yourself before others.

For many, it is an unrealistic expectation to ask that their first step be talking with someone with whom they may disagree. Many people are conflict avoiders by nature. Instead, start with yourself. Ask yourself, “Why do I think what I think and believe what I believe about ____________? What has contributed to my beliefs and perceptions? How did I come to hold my beliefs about this subject so strongly?” If you cannot talk to yourself about it, the odds of succeeding in talking with someone who holds a very different perspective are about the same as winning the lottery… or lower.

3. Challenge yourself.

You are not being disloyal to your beliefs if you seek to read or listen to someone who thinks differently about those beliefs. You are testing your assumptions. This is called LEARNING! But sometimes it is less threatening to do so in the privacy of your own mind. Perhaps there is a Netflix documentary, Ted Talk, article, or book you can explore. This is much harder to do than it sounds since most of us run from anything that embraces a different perspective from our own. Just recently, a good friend encouraged me to read a book that both he and I know will not align with some of my beliefs. But I did add it to my reading list since I both trust him and need to be stretched more often.

4. Resist labeling.

Labels serve a purpose. They help us to simplify life by forcing a large number of people and perspectives into a small number of labels. But that simplification process can miss the full story. Labels are very insufficient for most people. We do not appreciate it when people lump us into a category of their choosing by assigning us a label such as “dogmatic,” “liberal,” “lazy,” “legalistic,” “loser,” etc. While everyone uses labels, we would do well to catch the tendency early and resist it quickly.

5. Talk with someone different.

A fascinating study was done by Dr. Paul Zak, a neuroscientist at Claremont Graduate University. He found that when we intentionally build relationships and show vulnerability, it releases a chemical called Ocytocin in the other person’s brain. And that chemical helps them to trust us! When we pursue relationships with people who may think differently than us and show appropriate vulnerability in our conversation with them, it helps to foster trust. In addition, when we do not have a relationship with someone, it is easier to dismiss and even dehumanize them. But once we get to know them and hear their story, we start to have a greater appreciation for them, regardless of if you see things the way they do. Relationships require both parties feeling safe, sharing honestly, and accepting that having different perspectives does not always mean that one person is right and the other is wrong.

It is not easy to move from “I am always right, and you are usually wrong” to “You and I can both be right and wrong.” But it is possible. And it all begins with learning how we form our perspectives and how we can also change our perspectives, or at least appreciate how others may hold views that are different than our own.

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Jay Desko is the CEO of The Center Consulting Group and brings experience in the areas of organizational assessment, leadership coaching, decision-making, and strategic questioning. Jay’s degrees include an M.Ed. in Instructional Systems Design from Pennsylvania State University and a Ph.D. in Organizational Behavior and Leadership from The Union Institute.